One lesson you must not learn too late in life is that self-interest influences many human relationships and interactions. People may come around you, praise you, associate with you or show interest in what you do because they have something to gain.
Their personal interests may be more important to them than your welfare.
This is not necessarily difficult to understand. Human beings naturally have needs, ambitions and desires. The problem begins when we assume that everyone who associates with us has our best interests at heart.
However, there is a higher level of intellectual and spiritual development that we must strive to attain: the ability to look beyond our immediate needs and make the interests of others part of our own concerns.
The person who has developed the most is not necessarily the one who has accumulated the greatest wealth, acquired the highest qualifications or attained the most prominent position.
It is the person who, even with limited resources, has developed the capacity to think beyond personal interests and consider the welfare of others.
However, there is a difference between having good intentions and having the capacity to make those intentions effective.
Consider the parable of the Good Samaritan. A man had been attacked by robbers and left injured on the road. A priest and a Levite passed by without helping him. But the Samaritan stopped, attended to his wounds and made arrangements for his care.
The Samaritan did more than feel sympathy. He had the willingness and the resources to act.
This is an important lesson: selflessness becomes more effective when it is supported by capacity.
You must therefore develop yourself. Build your competence, acquire skills, strengthen your intellectual abilities and develop your economic, social and leadership capacity.
Even influence and political understanding can be useful when they are directed towards meaningful purposes.
The more capable you become, the more people you can help.
I once stood in front of my hospital along the Eku-Agbor Road. Vehicles were moving in both directions, and the traffic was heavy. The rate of accidents in that area was also high.
As I watched the vehicles pass, a thought came to my mind: What are all these people pursuing?
Money? Personal success? Their individual ambitions?
I began to reflect on how few people consciously make the interests of God and humanity their primary concern.
That experience challenged me spiritually.
You should pursue self-actualisation, but do not make personal achievement your only objective. Develop yourself to the point where your abilities, resources and influence can benefit people beyond you.
For nearly 25 years, I have found fulfilment in pursuing a purpose that goes beyond my immediate personal interests.
Let God and humanity be part of the reason you wake up every morning. Your life should not be measured only by what you acquire, but also by what you contribute.
People associate with others for different reasons.
Some are attracted to your influence. Some want access to your resources. Others enjoy the social recognition that comes from being associated with a successful person. Some may genuinely appreciate your character, while others may be interested primarily in what they can gain.
You must understand these different motivations.
Do not assume that because someone praises you, the person necessarily wishes you well. Do not confuse association with loyalty or familiarity with genuine commitment.
This is particularly important when you become successful, wealthy, influential or popular.
Some people may want to share in your success without necessarily being committed to your welfare.
Therefore, appreciate people, but use discernment when deciding whom to trust.
Another important lesson is that deliberate betrayal should never be treated lightly.
If someone intentionally defrauds you, cheats you or deliberately betrays your trust, do not assume that the person will automatically change simply because you have forgiven the offence.
A person who has demonstrated a willingness to exploit you may repeat the behaviour if another opportunity arises.
Sometimes, the reason the person stops is not necessarily a change of heart. It may be because of the consequences, the possibility of exposure or the restraints imposed by society.
This does not mean that people cannot change. They can. But genuine change must be demonstrated through consistent behaviour and accountability.
Do not ignore repeated warning signs simply because you want to believe the best about someone.
Forgiveness does not require you to remove every boundary.
Marriage and intimate relationships are also influenced by human interests.
People may enter relationships because of physical attraction, sexual compatibility, financial security, social status, companionship, family expectations or other perceived advantages.
Sometimes, people describe these motivations as love. But attraction and personal benefit alone are not enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
A lasting marriage requires responsibility, commitment, honesty, sacrifice and mutual consideration.
You must therefore look beyond what someone says and pay attention to how the person behaves.
Does the person demonstrate responsibility? Is there respect? Can you trust one another? Is there a willingness to make sacrifices and build a future together?
Love should not be reduced to what one person can obtain from another. It must also be demonstrated through what each person is willing to contribute.
This is one of the most important lessons I want you to understand.
No matter how generous, kind or selfless you are, do not make yourself unnecessarily vulnerable.
Always have a system that protects your interests and the things you have worked hard to build.
You can trust people without giving them unlimited access to your finances, private information or personal affairs. You can be generous without abandoning accountability. You can love people without neglecting your own security.
I have been married to my wife for 38 years, and I have known her for 42 years. I have children, and I take their welfare seriously.
I have made it a responsibility to provide for their security and future. I want to be confident that if anything happens to me, my wife and children will not be left helpless. My wife should be able to manage and continue with life without depending entirely on my physical presence.
That is part of my responsibility as a husband and father.
Providing for your family is not merely about meeting today’s needs. It is also about preparing for tomorrow.
Do not wait until a crisis occurs before you begin thinking about the people who depend on you.
Consider the experiences of celebrities and public figures.
A musician may become popular and begin to feel that his fame gives him some form of protection from the consequences of his actions. People around him may encourage his lifestyle because they also benefit from his popularity.
But fame does not remove personal responsibility.
When intimate relationships become complicated, when private matters become public or when people begin making demands and accusations, the consequences can be damaging.
The lesson is not limited to musicians. It applies to everyone who has influence.
Do not assume that because you are wealthy, famous or powerful, people will always protect you. Do not assume that your status makes you immune to the consequences of poor decisions.
Tiger Woods, for example, experienced the public consequences of personal relationship decisions that affected his reputation.
Popularity can attract people, but it cannot guarantee loyalty. Wealth can attract relationships, but it cannot guarantee genuine affection.
You must remain responsible, regardless of your status.
Many people use the language of love, loyalty and friendship. But words alone do not establish the sincerity of a relationship.
Even songs about love can be written for commercial reasons. An entertainer may sing about romance because it attracts listeners, encourages people to dance and generates income.
That does not mean every love song is insincere. It simply means that we should distinguish artistic expression from the actual practice of love.
In marriage and other relationships, love must be demonstrated through responsibility and consistent actions.
The same principle applies to friendship. Someone who genuinely cares about you should not be interested only in what you can provide.
Self-interest is not limited to personal relationships. It also influences politics, business and international affairs.
Politicians may present their personal ambitions as public interests. Some use tribal, regional or religious sentiments to mobilise people while pursuing their own objectives.
When public resources are involved, individuals and groups may sometimes unite around opportunities for personal gain, even when their actions harm the wider population.
This is why citizens must learn to examine political decisions critically.
Do not automatically assume that a politician has your interests at heart because of the party, region or group the person represents. Examine the person’s actions, decisions and record of accountability.
The same caution applies to international relations. Countries often make decisions based on their strategic, economic and security interests. Their support for another country should not automatically be interpreted as complete selflessness.
Political leaders must also be examined in terms of their motives and the consequences of their decisions.
The interests of a nation and the personal ambitions of its leaders are not always the same.
There are three important lessons I want you to take away from this discussion.
First, develop yourself. Build the intellectual, spiritual, economic and social capacity to make a meaningful contribution to humanity.
Second, understand human relationships. Recognise that self-interest influences many interactions. Do not mistake praise for loyalty, popularity for love or association for genuine commitment.
Third, protect yourself. Establish boundaries, make responsible decisions, prepare for your family’s future and never allow your desire to help others to become an excuse for neglecting your own security.
The goal is not to become selfish or suspicious of everyone. The goal is to become wise enough to serve others without destroying yourself in the process.
Pursue self-actualisation, but let God and humanity remain greater than your personal ambition. Be selfless in your purpose, competent in your service and wise in protecting your interests.
I remain your friend, Dr. Charles Apoki.
