I just finished delivering a lecture at Wetland Hotel. It was the third in a series of lectures by Advocates Publications. The senator representing Delta Central Senatorial District was there. Professor Patrick Moare was chairman. Olorogun Abraham Obodo was the moderator of one of the panel discussions. CSP Abed Zokum was there, and a barrister whose name I cannot recall now, as well as an erudite lecturer from Delta State Southern University—please forgive me for not remembering your name. We had a wonderful time.
I spoke on why we do not get the dividends of democracy after electoral victories. You can check that out on my YouTube channel. I also spoke on FOMO—fear of missing out—and I want to speak on JOMO—the joy of missing out.
FOMO is more about belonging to the herd effect. You do things because others are doing them. You don’t want to be left behind, you don’t want to be isolated, and you want to belong.
I came to this town 26 years ago, and one of the first things I resolved was that I was not going to socialise with people. I was not going to belong to any organisation apart from the Government College Old Boys Association. I don’t socialise. I hardly attend ceremonies. I hardly go out.
There was a period when pastors like me were always going to one place for every activity. I didn’t go. I was not personally invited. So I didn’t go. One day, the custodian of that place came personally to invite me to play a role in a place where everyone had been rushing to, and I was treated with royal grace.
Don’t frequent places too often. Don’t belong to the crowd. If I’m not playing a special role in most activities in this area, I don’t attend. Otherwise, you just become part of the crowd—and you might get into trouble if you are not careful.
There are things happening that I deliberately do not partake in. I sent out a message that I live a frugal life. I don’t throw money around. I use my things sparingly. I used to tell Abraham: use a toothpick to enjoy life so it will last long. Don’t cut it with a knife and consume it all at once.
One of the things that helped me embrace the joy of missing out started from Aba. At a point, people stopped inviting me to gatherings because it appeared I was not doing well financially. I also withdrew and stayed on my own.
In that process, I had a deep encounter with the Lord. I started writing more books. I developed more concepts. I became intellectually productive and spiritually enlightened.
Most people who run after the crowd don’t wear a crown. When you are like David, taking care of your sheep in the bush, when you have an encounter with God, people will come looking for you.
It is in quietness, in that exclusive time you have for yourself, that you discover yourself and create uniqueness.
People invite me everywhere, but most times, once I finish speaking, I leave. I don’t stay long.
I remember attending my aunt’s burial in my community. I don’t eat or drink in public. I told Reverend Samson Bodger to park the car far away at a fuel station. I told him that after one hour, if I moved, he should move too. After one hour, I left, and we drove off. About an hour later, there was gunfire, and someone sitting where we had sat was shot dead. Thank God we left.
I learned that I must not do things just because others are doing them. I must not behave like everyone else. I must not speak like everyone else. I am not afraid to miss out. In fact, most times, I derive joy from missing out.
Another example: I went to preach in one of the biggest churches in Nigeria. I spoke to about 4,000 men—at another time, about 4,000 pastors from different parts of the world, including America. After the programme, all guest speakers were invited to eat at the house of the General Overseer. I did not go.
They sent for me—with a siren—and brought me there. The General Overseer personally served me my food.
I have learned exclusivity. I have learned not to be over-available. Over-availability reduces value.
Don’t be at every party, every conference, every social gathering. Try to create some level of scarcity for yourself. Create exclusivity. Create distinction. Embrace the joy of missing out.
That does not mean you should not maximise opportunities. I always ask myself: this place, this person, this activity—where is it taking me? If it is not taking me anywhere, I go nowhere.
Dr. Charles Apoki is my name. God bless you.
