I felt compelled to address a deeply troubling incident before calling it a night. In Abagana, Anambra State, a man doused his wife, a mother of five boys, with Premium Motor Spirit (PMS) and set her ablaze. Tragically, she passed away in the hospital. The man has since been arrested, and in his interview, he was seen crying and expressing regret. This heart-breaking event brings to light critical issues about marriage, anger management, and the law, which I will discuss.
Understanding Marriage and the Law
Marriage, though often celebrated in religious or family settings, is regulated by the state. A marriage certificate, issued by the local government, signifies this legal oversight. Here are some key points often misunderstood:
Adultery and the Law: While adultery is condemned by religious texts like the Bible and Quran, it is not a criminal offense in Southern Nigeria. You cannot legally punish a spouse or the third party involved. Such actions are the jurisdiction of the courts.
Your Rights in Marriage:
- You do not own your spouse. Marriage does not entitle you to control or harm your partner physically or emotionally.
- You do not own your children. Failing in your parental duties can lead to the state intervening to protect them.
Temper Issues and Marriage
If you struggle with anger or temper issues, marriage is not for you until you address those problems. Marriage requires patience, compromise, and the ability to accept imperfections in your partner and yourself. As I often say, “Marriage is the only situation where you can say, ‘I’m sorry,’ even when you’re right—especially as a man.”
Expect provocations and challenges in marriage, but never resort to violence. Instead, prioritize communication, understanding, and forgiveness.
Lessons for Men and Women
- For Men: Your wife is not your property. Paying a bride price does not grant you ownership. Violence toward your spouse, no matter the provocation, is unacceptable and punishable by law.
- For Women: Your husband is not an ATM. Financial constraints are a reality, and mutual understanding is essential.
Adapting to Modern Realities
For Nigerians living abroad, particularly in Western countries, the cultural and legal expectations are vastly different. Men must understand that traditional African patriarchal attitudes do not align with Western laws and norms. Women, similarly, must resist exploiting these systems for personal gain at the expense of their husbands.
When Marriage Becomes Dangerous
If a marriage becomes life-threatening, it is better to leave than to stay and risk your life. Churches and societal pressures should not deter anyone from exiting a toxic relationship. Marriage is only one aspect of life, and leaving a dangerous marriage does not signify failure.
Support for the Victims
The children of the Abagana tragedy are the most affected. It is crucial for the Anambra State government to provide psychological support and ensure their education and well-being. Their traumatic experience will require a long-term commitment to healing and care.
Final Thoughts
This incident is a stark reminder of the importance of decency, moderation, and understanding the legal and moral responsibilities within marriage. Let us strive to build relationships rooted in mutual respect, compassion, and patience.
I remain Dr. Charles Apoki.
God bless you.
