I am Dr. Charles Apoki, and I often reflect on life’s experiences to draw practical lessons. The Bible teaches us to “study to show yourself approved,” and as my former principal, Dr. Raymond, once explained, studying involves observation, analysis, and insight. Recently, my trip to Bonny provided profound insights into the dynamics of relationships—whether marital, professional, or personal.
Lessons from the Boats at Bonny
When we arrived at Bonny, three boats each carrying about 150 to 180 passengers docked at the jetty. The process was orderly and precise: passengers disembarked from one boat to another, adhering to strict rules. No heavy luggage, one hand free, no pictures or videos—these guidelines ensured efficiency and safety. Observing this system sparked a realization.
The boats were equipped with protective materials like tires and floaters. These buffers prevented collisions as the waves from the ocean pushed the boats together. Without these protections, the boats would damage each other, leading to leaks and potential disaster. This principle of buffering resonated with me deeply in the context of relationships.
The Role of Buffers in Relationships
Just as those boats needed padding to avoid damaging each other, relationships require boundaries and buffers to prevent friction. Early in my marriage, my wife and I were overly dependent on each other. We moved everywhere together, did everything together, and constantly interacted. The result? Frustration, arguments, and dissatisfaction. It became clear that we needed space to thrive individually while staying connected.
I resolved that my marriage would not mirror the patterns I observed in my family. Ancestral curses are not compulsory courses. Each individual must take deliberate, disciplined steps to break destructive patterns. Cultural tendencies and inherited behaviors must be recognized and addressed consciously. As believers, we have the mind of Christ and are called to use our reasoning alongside our faith. Prayer is essential, but so is critical thinking and intentional action.
Respecting Boundaries and Individuality
In every relationship—whether with a spouse, children, friends, colleagues, or mentees—respect for boundaries is crucial. For instance, I respect my wife’s boundaries and ideas. Although I am the head of the house, I am not her lord; Jesus is. We have learned to respect each other’s preferences and avoid imposing our will on one another.
Similarly, I maintain boundaries with my adult children, mentees, and colleagues. Overstepping those boundaries creates friction. Relationships thrive when we communicate and collaborate without encroaching on each other’s lives. This principle applies to all interactions—whether with your boss, co-workers, or business partners.
Turning Off the Engine
Another striking moment during my trip was when one of the boats began drifting away due to the engine’s waves. A crew member instructed the other boat to turn off its engine. Once both engines were off, the boats could come closer without pushing each other away.
In relationships, this principle is vital. Agitation, anger, or dissatisfaction often stems from both parties “revving their engines.” To resolve conflicts and foster closeness, someone must take the initiative to “kill their engine.” Let go of the agitation, and you’ll find peace and harmony in your relationships.
Avoiding Friction Through Healthy Space
Friction arises when there is excessive proximity without respect for individuality. Just like rubbing hands together generates heat, over-closeness in relationships often leads to conflict. Intimacy should coexist with respect for personal space and boundaries.
Many people fall into the trap of trying to mold others to fit their expectations. This is unrealistic and counterproductive. Whether it’s your spouse, children, friends, or colleagues, no one will completely conform to your desires. Accept people for who they are and respect their individuality.
Final Thoughts
Relationships, like ships, require careful navigation. Buffers, boundaries, and the willingness to “turn off the engine” of agitation are essential for maintaining harmony. Don’t let unresolved conflicts or unrealistic expectations derail your relationships. Learn to communicate, respect boundaries, and embrace individuality.
I hope these lessons resonate with you. Remember, our upcoming webinar in January, will delve deeper into such transformative topics. To register, contact us. Early registrations receive a discount!
God bless you.
